For the uninitiated, the facts are as follows: Palawan has been voted the sexiest island on the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s green earth 4 years running. YPT run an island-hopping trip here every October, and when not running tours to places that anger your gran, I lead an investment group looking to purchase genuine island and run as sovereign nation. Throw these two facts together with Al Gore’s invention of internet, and the result was obvious; I was to go island shopping and hopping in Palawan!
Palawan has two airports that would fit my task. The first and most frequently used is in Puerto Princesa, which is an international airport. The second is El Nido, but it has fewer flights. Puerto Princesa also has more bars.
With that in mind, I flew to Puerto Princesa. Going anywhere necessitates a night out when I land. Ever heard of the Tamilok Challenge? The challenge is to eat this local delicacy – which tastes like chalky man milk  –without vomiting. Aside from gross food there’s a lot of bars in Puerto Princesa, as well as fine dining such as Ronald Macdonald and the Colonel.
Day 2 involved getting up at 6am for the 4-hour drive to Taytay, which was where Malaipo Island was. Philippines bureaucracy necessitated that we spent the next hour standing around like tits doing nothing, before we boarded the boat for the 40-minute ride to the island.
As women often correctly point out, size doesn’t matter. But when you see something genuinely huge your asshole does pucker up; Malapaio Island is 30 acres, or 36 with the shoreline. Do you know how big 36 acres is? In scientific terms: it’s fucking huge. Like really, really huge. From our island buying point of view it would leave enough space for a resort and for us to do our combo Lord Of the Flies/the Beach/I’m a Celebrity/Love Island thing, whilst making Carry On jokes to the tune of Benny Hill. That, to me, is the dream.
After getting sunburn we jumped onto next part of journey to El Nido, where we would look at a peninsula. Long story short: the peninsula was pretty shit but our mates have a boat, so I spent the day acting like a pirate on a boat (an actual pirate drinking rum, not the ‘angry pirate’ sexual manoeuvre).
And that’s the story of Jesus.